apparently the secret to your success is patron
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
