Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
