I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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