i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
