He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The beer is more important than you right now.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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