I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
