im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
