The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
