mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
