Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
