That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
