My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
