look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
