Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
