remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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