What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
