I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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