Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
