I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
