look no pants
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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