Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
