Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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