I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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