If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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