it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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