it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
