you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
