Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
