it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
