I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
