I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
