i permit you to call me
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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