I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
