The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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