Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
