I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
