I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
