At least make sure they are 18
Why
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
