The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
