My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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