Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
