i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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