Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
