I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
