dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
