It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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