When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
