I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
