I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
a search helicopter?!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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