I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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