dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
