"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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