is your mom at the bar?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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