Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
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I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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