"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
