Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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