I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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