Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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