I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
