Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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