Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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