i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
