If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
