fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
