i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
